Choosing A Second Reaction

When your first reaction is rough :)

I have a new friend at my daughter’s new school, and she’s lovely. She’s friendly, funny, and a wonderful mother. She’s also super crafty and creative, and whipped my daughter up a Poppy (see - Trolls) costume about a week after learning that my daughter loves the song “Can’t Stop The Feeling”.

This outfit is not an amazon order. She cut the blue and white felt, sewed the dress, made measurements to specify my daughters height, and homemade the pink hair, complete with blue headband. 

Alternatively, I bought my children’s polyester Halloween costumes in 1 swoop wherever had the fastest shipping. :) 

I share this story, because I hear about the comparison trap of moms all the time. It starts with “her baby sleeps 8 hours a night”, turns into concerns around the number of hours they are (or aren’t!) working, and morphs in new ways as kids get older - worry about homemade meals, vegetable intake, being a sufficient housekeeper, after school activities, and “are we making enough family memories?”. 

And this week, before the madness of the holiday season picks up, and the comparison trap gets a little out of hand, I’m here to remind you that you can’t be all things to all people. Instead, I want to gently remind you that part of the beauty of being a member of a community - of friends, neighbors, church, or extended family - is that others can stand the gap in the areas that are not natural gifts to you. 

So, this week, I want you to try to choose how you receive others. 

It’s been my professional, and personal experience that gut reactions are hard to change - so when someone is doing something (especially for your kids), and you feel a gut punch… whether it’s jealousy, perceived judgment, or something else, I want to encourage you to pay attention. And while your instinct might be resentfulness, or insecurity, you can choose a different second reaction. 

The truth is: you just don’t have very much control over that first thought. It’s a combination of your family of origin, the society you live in, the content you consume, and the work that you’ve done on your mental health (formally, or informally). But there is SO much agency in recognizing that the first reaction isn’t where you want to live, and actively choosing a second reaction. 

Here are some examples from my last month:

• I could choose to perceive my MIL cleaning my entire upstairs (including my children’s bedding) as a statement on my housecleaning. Or, I can be SO grateful that she took the time to clean a space that’s been on the back of my mind all month! One less thing. 

• I can choose to be sad that my son is counting the minutes until his nanny comes, because he ONLY wants to work on the project they’ve been building together, with her. Or, I can be THRILLED at this change in his connection with her, and delighted that they have a special thing to work on together. 

• I can choose to be bummed that grandma got to picking out Boo baskets for my kiddos before I did. Or, I can be thankful that they are getting Boo baskets, because when I sidestep my guilt, I’m actually relieved to not have the spend the money and time, but still have my kids experience it. 

• I can choose to feel insecure that my friend can whip up a homemade costume, or I can be delighted to see my daughter’s face light up and grateful that someone who recently met us was willing to spend the effort and resources to make that moment happen (something I couldn't have done!)

In any of these cases, both things might be true. But, without the prompt of choosing a second reaction, it’s hard to see it as an option. 

So this week, join me in 1: noticing the first reaction, and 2: choosing a second reaction.