Fair Play
For those of us who love the theory, but haven't looked at the cards in months
By now, if you’re a parent with a kid under the age of 5, you’ve probably heard of Fair Play.
If you haven’t, congratulations on being completely outside of my algorithm vortex. :)
Because to me, it’s everywhere. Fair Play is a book and a card system that is designed to help couples acknowledge, communicate about, and redistribute the mental load of parenting. The way I describe it to people is that it’s a tool for parents who feel like they are drowning in household responsibilities and just want to like their spouse (usually husband - TBH) again.
I’m a mom of 3, and I first heard about it years ago, when the book first came out. For me, and many women, it seemed like a good idea… take stock of who owns what, give credit to the person carrying the load, and enjoy your partner a litttleeee more than you did before. Good goals, right?
But I’ve noticed a lot of men (and some women!) have an allergic reaction to the idea of Fair Play… It comes in the form of:
“We all know you do the most work at home!”
“ This game isn’t going to end well for me…”
“Well, I’m a SAHM, so of course I do more of the labor”
“He makes more money!”
“ But _______”
There’s a resistance to talking about the book and learning the actual system that leaves people dividing up the cards on a single, contentious night, and then ignoring them forever. Or, never starting them at all, thinking “that’s not for us!”.
In all transparency, if this is you, please know that this was me too. Until last fall, when I did a training designed for therapists and coaches who want to leverage Fair Play in their work.
When people hear I did the training, they expect me to be some sort of an expert. Like my husband and I must have it all figured out down to a “t”.
But like most impactful experiences in life, the knowledge I walked away with didn’t have anything to do with him. It was the reframes and the way it connected to me that left the biggest impact. 5 months after the training, I wanted to share some of my reflections with you:
Sometimes the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC) is enough… MSC is a concept in the book that gets blown past by most couples using the cards. MSC is the idea that you agree, up-front what the minimum definition of “getting the job done” is in your family. For a recovering perfectionist, like me, this idea is life-changing. Because it forces you to think through and name out loud - what is the minimum job that needs to be done here? What can I live with, and what is a nice-to-have? Said another way: what outcome can I be happy with? For me, setting a floor instead of a ceiling has shifted my perspective on what a “good” day looks like, and what I can simply let go of. Especially on weeks like this one - when I have sick kids, minimal time, and no patience: what is the minimum standard of care to get us through? Maybe you are walking through a pregnancy or postpartum experience, or a cold and flu season that has taxed you disproportionately: what is the minimum standard of care you need to survive the next few weeks? Or days?
Consciously Giving Up Cards Is Hard… and it’s a good practice. As much as women (mostly) love to complain about how much we do, and how little our partners contribute to home life, I’ve noticed a trend when working with Fair Play. It’s really hard to give up cards. It was for me. As much as we say we want help, giving up control means it isn’t going to get done our way, and we have to accept that. My husband holds the “Well Check” card in our family. This means that regularly scheduled appointments (think 4 year check up, regular dentist appointments) he owns. He also has a tendency to push appointments out, and cancel. At first, this drove me nuts! “They turned 4 last week! You’re taking them in next month?”. But, I’ve learned that part of not holding every card is learning to let him do it his way. The kids make it to their well checks, and I don’t have to take them. :)
It’s A Process, Not An Overnight Solution… as much as we wish it was. A key part of the Fair Play game is that it’s designed to be on-going. The assumption is that some of it isn’t going to work the first time you deal the cards. When I first played the game, I absolutely sat down and tried to crank through the deck. But honestly, what in life works that way? You’ll never deal once and be done! It’s inevitable - both you and your partner will make mistakes, drop balls, and you WILL have to troubleshoot… It’s built into the game. Isn’t that freeing? My husband and I had a check-in a few weeks ago, because it turns out we were failing in some of our cards, and we needed to reset. Instead of throwing out the cards and saying it wasn’t working, we re-dealt the cards and talked through it. I am now the proud owner of daily hygiene for our kids, and my husband is the proud owner of budgeting and feeding the kids before he leaves for work. Go team.
I hope this is helpful, or you see yourself in some of these stories, and hopefully some of the solutions.
I’ve been noodling planning a (paid) Fair Play training series via zoom. If that’s something you, or your partner would be interested in, you can let me know @ kylie@kyliehempy.com.
