For All The New Moms

Who don't feel like themselves and aren't sure they ever will.

This week, I went to New York with my husband.

The last time I was walking those streets until my legs hurt, popping all over the city via subway, and wondering how on earth people actually live here, while also thinking, "How cool! People live here!" Was 7 years ago. At the time, I was pregnant with my daughter - my oldest child.

And 7 years ago, while we had a fabulous trip - filled with bagels, visiting my best friend from high school, and a spontaneous trip to the NY philharmonic (which, yes - felt very NY of us), I also have a very distinct memory of crying in our hotel room one night.

You see, my husband has always traveled a lot for work, but in that season, it was nearly constant. During that trip, he lead me all over New York seamlessly - because he visited regularly. We lived in the Silicon Valley, and he would pop over to the east coast a few times a month. And on that trip, while I was grateful for his knowledge, I had an awareness that he was at the beginning of his career - that his world and competency in new cities and environments would grow and expand. Meanwhile, it felt like for me, it was all about to stop.

I was absolutely delighted to become a mom. I couldn't wait to meet our little girl. And yet, on that night in New York, I wondered if my world would be limited to our home indefinitely. And the idea terrified me.

Last week, I was on a podcast I love called Kindred Conversations. I had a chance to connect with one of the hosts - Paris. One of many topics we covered was the importance of reconnecting to our identities outside of  motherhood. I explained how when moms say "they just want to feel like themselves again", they've often forgotten the actual habits, practices, people, and environments that actually make them feel like themselves.

So, I walked her through an exercise I do with therapy clients who don't know where to start. I send them a big circle on a sheet of paper and ask them to fill the circle in with their lives... Often, understandably, their kids and spouse take up a huge amount of the circle. But that's never the whole story - there's a lot of circle left!

What we want to see in this exercise is what else pops up when we have literal space to fill.

• What hobbies do you love?

• Are there friends or family members that you just feel like "you" around?

• Are there places that are magic to you?

• Is there a sport that makes you feel alive?

• What identities do you connect with? Are you a runner, a reader, an artist, or a cook?

• Are there aspects for your spiritual life that make feel grounded and connected?

• What are your favorite holidays, books, communities to be a part of?

• Is there something you can do that makes you lose track of time?

For me, travel has always been a big part of my circle. If I was drawing my circle, a passport and an airplane would absolutely make the cut. In high school, I (very dramatically) told my mom, “I'm a teenage clique - I just want to see the world!". I largely picked my college because of an abroad program they had, which allowed me to see 11 countries and countless cities all over Europe. And, thanks to my husband's endless travel points from his work trips, we spent more weekends away than at home in our mid-20s.

Landing in a new city and getting to explore, walk, connect with old friends, and eat is one of my very favorite things. It just makes me feel like me.

Inconveniently, it's also a hard thing to reintegrate, postpartum :).

But, 6 years into parenthood, I wish I could go back to that expecting mom version of me and say something I know now - that your world will get small for a season. That your baby will need you to survive, and that will require a high level of sacrifice that biologically and logistically, will fall largely on you.

But eventually, with every postpartum - it is a challenge and a need to make space for the things that make you feel like you. It can become a game, if you let it, to recognize how and when pieces of you are accessible in the day, week, and month you are in. And, to seek opportunities to connect with them.

A little over a year ago, I had a breastfeeding 1 year old baby, who wouldn't take a bottle or eat food. New York wouldn't have been an option. But now, for this fall, it was.

And even then, when I was needed in a different way - I could steal an hour to workout, call a friend on a walk with my kids, or invite a friend over after our kids were down. I could borrow a book I’d been wanting to read, or carve out time to make a seasonal recipe I’d been wanting to try.

Oftentimes, when moms don't find space to bring back the parts of their identity back into their lives - when it feels impossible, or they don't know where to start - they end up in therapy months or years down the road.

A great gut-check I use in intake sessions is the question - what would you do to take care of yourself if you were given an hour or two to do whatever you wanted? If you can't come up with something that would help you feel a little better than you do now, it's a great indicator of how attuned you are to your own needs.

Incorporating the parts of your circle will take effort. Importantly, they also might require you to take up more space than is comfortable. In order to make this trip happen:

• I asked my parents to fly to my house to take care of my kids.

• I asked my babysitter to stay late because of their flight timing.

• I asked my friend to drive way out of her way to bring my daughter home from school

• I moved several client sessions.

• I also required my kids to live without me for several days.

  It was so uncomfortable.

And also - everyone survived. They could have said "no" if they couldn't flex. But if I wouldn't' have asked, I wouldn't be on a plane home, feeling fantastic and ready for the chaos that is the end of the year. I'm ready to enjoy my kids, and I have the energy to make this season memorable, cozy, and fun for everyone in our home.

So this week - my challenge is this... sit down with a blank sheet of paper during naptime, or after the kids go down. Draw a circle, turn on some music, and grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine. And see what comes up for you, when you let yourself reflect and get a little creative.

Then, share your circle with someone. Verbalizing what you love about your life and what you miss is a beautiful practice. That vulnerability will make you more likely to take action, and will give you an ally in experimenting with little ways to make space in your life for you.