Get A Hobby

An invitation to take up space in your family

In college, I was an RA.

I realize now this isn’t something I should say to make friends.

People always seem surprised when I share this, which I think is a compliment. That they assume with my social nature and my desire to connect to people that I wouldn’t be the narc. 

A compliment in a way?

But the funny thing is, I see my RA role as the first big step I took that led me to being a therapist. At my tiny liberal arts college in Southern California, I was kind of a therapist-in-training/big sister… I was underqualified and certainly underprepared for the mental and physical health challenges those thirty 18 year olds faced, but I was also their sounding board when they hadn't been invited out, the open door when they got their heart broken. I was the ride to the grocery store, coffee, or occasionally the hospital. I was the call they didn’t want to make, but were glad they could.

But only a year older than them, I came to the job with many of my own issues to still work through, and my own delivery needed some refining. Which was apparent to me last week, when Facebook reminded me of a post one of my residents had shared back in college. Apparently, in the early days of her freshman year, she came to me for advice, and my sage wisdom was to “get a hobby.” 

Blunt, but honestly… not bad advice.

And well over a decade later, it holds up. 

Especially for parents in 2024.

Especially where the expectation is often that we disappear into our kids. 

Especially in the fall, when we have a tendency to overcommit & prioritize kids activities and enrichment. 

It’s certainly dependent on the season (no one is telling someone with a newborn to get a hobby), but I think sometimes that newborn season puts us in a survival mode that we never recover from. Our phones have a tendency to become our hobby - the lure of funny reels and relatable content is the only thing we feel we have space for at the end of a LONG day of parenting. 

And honestly, I get it. No one wants to drag themselves out of the house, walk into a room of strangers, or try something new when their bed is calling them over. 

But, I’ve had a surge over the last few months of women presenting for therapy years into motherhood, when they are trying to come up from air and have no idea who they are anymore, outside of their role as “mom”. From what I can tell, it doesn’t seem to matter if the women are working full-time jobs, working as SAHMs, or some combination of the two - they fill their “free” time with what matters for their kids. Again, and again. Until they don’t recognize themselves, and they can’t figure out why. 

And while it’s an honor to meet those women where they are, it really makes me wonder what steps got them there. And what the differences are between those who feel that way, and those who hold onto a sense of self, despite the chaos of the “little” years.

Generally in life, I try to start by getting curious about the exceptions. 

Last summer, I took a pottery class at the local rec center. There was a woman there who was 8 months pregnant. She was having a third child, meaning that in order for her to get to the pottery studio, someone else was doing bedtime for the other 2 kids. It was the middle of the summer, so it was hot and stuffy in the room, and I’m sure there were more comfortable places she could be, but she told me that she had recently realized that her husband had hobbies that took him out of the house for hours (golf) or days (hunting) at a time, and the only thing stopping her from doing the same was her. It took her telling him that she wanted to take the class, putting it on the calendar, and the gentle reminder that he could handle the 2 little people while she learned a new skill, made some new friends, and… got a hobby. 

Her story matters to this conversation because many women I know are uncomfortable asking for that kind of space, but having a hobby - a thing that you love to do, simply because you love to do it, often requires it. 

And that’s okay. It’s okay to take up space in your family. It’s okay for them to shift for something you love. Frequently, when I’m heading out the door, one of my kids blubbers up with tears. And, it hits a little harder when it isn’t for work… Like I’m somehow choosing to put him through this separation.

But the truth is - I come back a better human. I come back with more patience for everyone in my family, including him. I come back to more respect from my husband (because 3 on 1 is hard!). And, I come back feeling like my cup is a little fuller than when I left. Not necessarily to pour it out again… just because I too, deserve to have a full cup.

This week, my challenge is simple: 

I want you to ask the question: What Do I Love To Do?

Or, if that feels intimidating, try this: what would I do if someone gave me 3 hours unexpectedly today?

Can you list 2 hobbies? 1 that you can do in the house, 1 that takes you out of the house. 

• If you already have ideas, fantastic. We love that for you. When can you make space to engage with them?

• If you are drawing blanks, please be kind to yourself. Know that you are not alone. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you haven’t had enough space for a while. Could this be the invitation to start something? 

For those who don’t know where to start, I would LOVE to make a list of what we love to do below. If you are one of the lucky ones who has a fast answer (or 5), please comment below and share it with us. Maybe your contribution will spark an idea for someone who is still searching. :)