How To Survive Election Week

While Saving Your Sanity & Your Relationships

Last week, I did a very therapist-y thing, and went to a local therapist meetup. It was a networking event, where there were drinks, in a large room filled with art, 75 or so therapists, and lots of conversational prompts. Nerdy people-people, unite! We started with speed dating, and then we headed into breakout groups where 40 minute discussions were held on specific topics. I gravitated towards one in particular: “How To Survive Election Day.” Because honestly, who doesn’t need some tips on navigating this next week and a half?

The 8 or so therapists in the group were lovely, thoughtful, and intelligent. But also - there were radical, scary, exaggerated terms and interpretations of reality thrown around. Most of the dialogue was probably a good sample size for the dramatic language used by many communities talking about the election right now - on both sides of the aisle. The first half of the conversation was not at all about how to survive the election, but very much a space to verbally process their own fear and anxiety. 

And, I get it - I really do. In a 24 hour media cycle, it can feel impossible to remember to breathe. 

And, politics have a real effect on people's lives. 

And, realistically, you only get 1 vote. So your power, despite the level of your political anxiety, is fairly limited. 

But it got me thinking about a concept in family systems therapy; differentiation. Differentiation means you can tolerate being around others (in the case of the theory, in your family) who act, think, and behave in their own way, and still maintain who you are. Differentiation means you aren’t overly influenced - intellectually or emotionally - by someone else’s opinion. It also means you can stand the discomfort associated with disagreement. 

When you’re young, it’s really common to be a chameleon to what will work in your family - to meld into the family system to continue keeping things as they are (homeostasis). It doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with your parents, but it does mean that the pattern of relating to one another usually stays consistent. You do the same dance, over and over. As you grow up, it’s considered a sign of psychological maturity to not have to agree with one another about everything, but to still be able to tolerate that conflict within the relationship you share. 

To be differentiated is to have an identity that feels secure enough that you don’t feel threatened by the family system facing a conflict, or simply disagreeing. Said another way, if you are differentiated, you have the ability to tolerate someone else’s opinion and distress, without feeling the need to fight them, convince them, or settle the family. 

Not very 2024 of psychology, huh? ;)

Why does it matter? Because I’ve been thinking about the idea of differentiation as it relates to politics and the upcoming election. I wonder if part of the stress and anxiety that has been building culturally over the last few months (and years) is in part due to the over-identification with political parties. 

Yes, maybe you really connect to a specific party. 

Maybe you cannot fathom what would lead someone to vote the other way. 

But, you are still a whole person, with identities, passions, strengths, weaknesses, responsibilities, and desires completely unrelated to politics and the outcome of an election that you cannot control. 

So next week, by all means: vote. But also, if you are feeling anxious (and how could you not be!), I want to encourage you with some very simple tools:

• Reconnect with the parts of your identity that matter to you outside of the election and news cycle. Are you a runner? An artist? A yogi? Dive in and prioritize the parts of you that are true regardless of the outcome next Tuesday. 

• Reflect on what in this election matters to you. What feels most threatening to you about the “other side”? Get involved in local organizations that do that thing. Realistically, even if your party wins, they probably won’t make major headway on the issue you care about most. But, the issue that matters to you could be a place where you make a difference, locally. 

• Use regulation tools like belly breathing, temperature checks, and naming your emotions to bring the rational, decision making part of your brain (prefrontal cortex) back online. 

• Remember that 25 years from now, these politicians will be history. Just like we rarely talk about Bush and Clinton in 2024. But if you miss out on raising your kids with your best friend’s kids because of how they voted, or knowing your niece and nephew for decades because of your BIL’s politics, you will be the one who missed out, while everyone else moves onto the next news cycle.

Politics can and should matter. But they shouldn’t be your entire identity. You can support a political party and remain a differentiated, mature adult person. I want to challenge you to remember that this next week :)

photo of a clamer place and time :)