The Story You Are Telling Yourself

A simple tool for the loud voices in your head

Last June, my husband and I hit our 10 year anniversary, which feels a little crazy. We can’t be that old, right? 3 kids should have been the sign that it’s been a while since that hot Southern California day where we exchanged vows, but somehow it still feels shocking. 

We were so young, so in love, and a healthy dash of completely unaware of what we were signing ourselves up for. In that time, we’ve moved, started and then restarted new lives, bought homes, accomplished big goals, switched careers a few times over. We’ve grieved the loss of people who formed us, and people who we were dying to meet. 

10 years feels significant. And even though I’m trained as a Marriage & Family Therapist, the life experience of 10 years of marriage feels a little more powerful than formal education in knowing how it actually is in the good times, and the bad. 

And honestly, I think we have a really, really strong marriage. Not a perfect marriage, and a really good one, that we’ve worked hard for. 

But even in a good marriage, with the benefit of time, sometimes comes complacency. I’m not sure how much of it is the number of years, and how much of it is having kids and a long to-do list, but there’s been a switch in recent years. I often find myself looking at my husband and assuming that I know what he is thinking, or how he’s about to respond before letting him talk. Like I know him “so well” that my brain can just fill in the gaps. 

And that’s not fair to him. It’s not allowing space for conversation, or  growth. And to be honest, the voice in my head projecting a response from him is far more often about me and my baggage than it is about him and what he’s actually thinking. 

This week, I want you to try an exercise that is about that feeling - when we are reading the mind of someone who loves us and it sounds a lot more critical than they usually are. It’s a practice in Cognitive Defusion. 

Cognitive Defusion is the process of creating a littteeee bit of space between you and your thoughts, and recognizing that your thoughts are not facts. It’s a challenge to your imagination, when it’s running away with what your partner, mother-in-law, or neighbor might be thinking. 

It’s a powerful practice because those thoughts, while loud, may not be accurate or true. But, they are very effective in making you feel like crap. 

Exercise: “The Story I’m Telling Myself Is ___________”. 

Last week, I went shopping. I decided last year that I wanted to learn how to dress my postpartum body, and that a lot of the clothes in my closet no longer fit me. The random links from influencers and amazon finds were actually just falling apart and not built for my body type. But I had developed a habit of buying things online and then forgetting to return them...  So I decided that I only shop in-person now (for clothes… we still have many, many home supplies auto-shipped and showing up at our door weekly!). 

This means that two times a year, I save up and go shopping, in-person. Taking the day to try on, find clothes that actually fit, and that I feel really good in. 

I put this day on the calendar months in advance, but it so happened that this weekend was full of things for me. I had a haircut Friday afternoon, I went to a show in the city with a friend on Saturday night. And then, Sunday, I went shopping for most of the day. And while we had agreed on the calendar, acknowledged that there was an ebb and a flow (Scott then went to Denver for several days this week), I felt really guilty. 

The guilt could have really easily robbed me of my fun and my joy in a day that I’d been looking forward to and investing in. So instead of harboring it, I pulled out a therapy tool and said, “The story that I’m telling myself is that this is too much. That you feel like it’s unfair. That you’re overwhelmed and frustrated. The story I’m telling myself is that it’s been too much money, too much time, and too much to ask of you.” I said it first to myself. And then, because my husband is a safe person, I said it out loud to him.

We have an honest relationship, where we talk a lot, and where we share things that feel hard often. And yet, this was a level of discomfort that I wasn’t quite used to. Because the truth is: I know it’s crazy. I know it’s not true. But it’s hard to turn the volume down when it’s swirling in my head.

And you know what happened after? I was able to move on. Instead of playing wack-a-mole with the idea that I was taking up too much space, I let the thought breathe. I put the mallet down, and the thought stopped fighting back. I was able to vocalize it to him, and instead of carrying the baggage of the day, he was able to tell me that he was tired, and it had been a lot, but that I was not a lot. That he was aware that he was giving me a break, that he would be getting one the following week, and he didn’t feel resentful at all. 

So my day got to be filled of buying sweaters and shoes and jeans for the fall, so I can feel and look my best. Instead of being filled with frustration and arguments in my own head about why or if it was “too much”. 

I hear about this pattern of reading someone’s mind all the time in therapy - especially in women, and 2x for moms:

• Maybe they bailed on an event, or forget to respond to a text, and now the narrative is their friend is mad, and won’t invite them again

• Or they missed a birthday or celebration, or a detail around it, and now they’re imagining someone is disappointed and didn’t feel loved 

• How they were 5 minutes late for pickup, so obviously their kid’s teacher is fuming and thinks they are the worst mom

• Maybe the narrative is that their boss is expecting them to do more or need less, that somehow parenting is making them a horrible employee

Even if it’s just to yourself, the practice of vocalizing that there is a narrative your brain is crafting around the facts, can be extremely helpful in allowing you to regulate, empathize, and move on with your day. You don’t actually have to do anything other than name the story that you are telling yourself. Just identifying it is creating space. 

So practice with me - before you exit out of this tab. What is a story you are telling yourself about your family? About your spouse? About your boss? About what kind of mom you are?

Is someone you can gut check it with?