What If It's Happening For You, Not To You?

Reflections from Tony Robbins

In last week's post, I shared that I was in New York with my husband, but I didn't share why. I went to the Tony Robbins conference!

For those of you who are unfamiliar - Tony Robbin's is a super popular, well-known motivational speaker. He's aggressive, and little crazy, but it's part of his shtick. As a therapist, I really appreciate him and see the value in the work he does. He pulls from a lot of psychological theories (CBT, ACT, Narrative Therapy, IFS) and teaches strategies for managing negative thoughts, changing habits, and building a life you are excited about. Many of the tools he teaches are exact same tools you would learn in therapy. And, because his style is hyper-masculine, he helps a lot of people who would never sign up for traditional therapy.

I attended my first of his conferences back in 2018 because my brother wanted to go, and I wanted to hang out with my out-of-town brother. I was back this year, which prompted a lot of compare and contrast moments for me.

I'm a lover of conferences, concerts, and being surrounded by people. One of my highest values is connection, and I love making memories with other people. I also love the energy of anything personal-development related. It's a dream for my extrovert-therapist self to be surrounding by 17,000 people looking to reflect, learn, and grow.

But being back, I thought about what stuck with me from the first conference. What made the biggest impact?

One of the key takeaways I've walked away from both conferences with is this idea: what if life is happening for me, not to me?

The idea is that events, people, challenges, and frustrations are all shaping you and leading you in cultivating the skills you needed to learn and evolving you into the person you needed to become all along. Admittedly, it's a little woo.

At TR, it's said like a fact. That life IS happening for you, not to you.

But, as a therapist, I appreciate a little more nuance and a tone of curiosity... So I’ll ask it like this: what if the challenges, circumstances, or hard realities you are facing are happening for you?

• what if this challenge with your child is teaching you a new way to connect with them and teach them?

• What if this impossible financial season is bringing you and your partner together and bonding you in a new way, as a team against the problem?

• What if a friendship feeling different or broken is making space for someone new in your life, who you will learn a lot from?

• Is it possible that election results you had a big reaction to are an indicator of what you really care about? And how to spend your time and resources?

• Are changing holiday traditions a chance to notice what works well and what doesn't, instead of operating out of habit?

What if life is happening for you, not to you?

Earlier this year, we were supposed to head to FL with all 3 of our kiddos. My two oldest have been completely obsessed with space for almost 2 years, and we were going to the space center, with plans of watching a SpaceX rocket launch on my daughter's birthday. We had been dreaming about it all year, and talking about it daily.

And then Milton hit. We were packed and ready to leave the next morning when news started to break about the expected devastation, and we had to make a choice about what was best.

We decided to cancel - breaking the hearts of our crying children when they woke up.

We headed on a local-ish vacation instead, opting to drive about 7 hours away. My in-laws were out of town and had offered their home, which was a gracious and economical option, given all our last minute cancellations.

On the car ride down, I was wondering if we made the "right" choice, so I pulled up the news. By then, the situation had evolved. Florida was in a state of emergency, grocery stores were running out of food, evacuations were throughout the state, people were having a hard time getting out. The little dot of where in FL was expected to be hit hardest was almost exactly on top of our Airbnb.

Maybe life was happening for us... we weren't in an emergency, with 3 small kids, and no where to go, with nothing to eat.

Then, we (miraculously) finished our road trip. On our first night in Santa Barbara, our son woke up in the middle of the night puking everywhere. He had a high fever, couldn't keep anything down, and was delirious.

After several days and phone nurse consultations later, we drove back home so that we could bring him in... he had pneumonia. Our pediatrician, who we know and love was able to see him, and expedite the x-rays, diagnosis, and medication, with full knowledge of his medical history and tendency to be antibiotic resistant.

Maybe life was happening for us... we weren't across the country, sitting in an ER, in an area without our insurance, not knowing the doctors.

In some ways, it's easy to look back and see how life was happening for us that week, despite the disappointment, fear, and repeatedly changing plans. But it was our posture in the moment too.

I was uncharacteristically flexible that week. My tendency to type-A was at bay, and I was able to shift as our family needs and reality evolved. And I wonder how much of it was this question that I've repeated again and again, since first hearing it at that conference in 2018.

Much of what we do in therapy, and any type of psychology-based tool is start to notice the patterns we are seeing, and trying new ways of thinking on for size. This question is a fantastic one to try.

This week, I want you to reflect on an area of your life that is, indisputably feeling challenging. An area that is not going the way you expected. And I want you to brainstorm - in what ways might this be happening for you?